Integrity VS Reputation

What do you think, which one is more important; integrity or reputation? In my opinion, someone with integrity might have good reputation as a reward; but a person with good reputation isn't absloutely have integrity as well.

I'm someone with pretty good reputation overall. Some people told me that they are inspired, they told me I'm "the best", etc, etc. Sometimes when people told me things like that, I wanted to dig a big hole and burry myself in that hole. Simply because I realize one thing. Man, I'm not that good. Don't judge me from the outside.

For me, integrity isn't just about how do you act when you are left alone, when no one see it. For me, integrity's source is the heart. People never know who we really are inside. What we think, what we feel, how we want to give up sometimes, how we do things half-heartedly, etc, etc. As for me, what keep me going on is trying. I'm just trying even I know I've messed up. I pray to God so He will help me to overcome all my evil thoughts, all my miserable feelings, because I need His forgiveness. One thing I realize is I'll never ever able being a person with integrity at the heart without Him. 

Above all else, guard your heart,

for everything you do flows from it.

(Proverbs 4:23 NIV)

The Blessing of Weakness

    I always thought that I am a strong girl. I have conditions that most of young girls at my age don't have. Those conditions make me become a very individual and independent girl. I think I can do many things on my own. I find it's hard to ask people for help, because I don't want them feeling burdened with my problems. But, honestly, deep down in my heart I'm just a normal girl that needs a shelter when I am weary and burdened. 

    These days there are more conditions that makes me feeling uneasy. I'm feeling weak because of these conditions. It's hard for me to show people. Even I show my weakness to some people, I can't really relieved. I think they don't really care even they cares. I know it's not because of them. It's because of me. This 'strong girl' start to think that she needs "a shoulder to cry on".

    Oh, I never thought it before. I'm usually strong on my own. I can't understand when people become weak because of their problems. I can't treat them with sincere sensitivity. I want them be strong on their own.

    But now I thank God for these conditions that make me feeling weak. At least, I begin to understand. If I can be strong, it's because of Him. If people can't be strong on their own, I must understand. All I can say about my conditions now is:

I'll let my weakness humbled my heart till I fly higher than before

2 Corinthians 12:9 ESV / 216 

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.